The straw child of difficult behavior

[ljwrites]

A common attempted rebuttal to studies that indicate spanking and yelling are harmful to children is the specter of the misbehaving child who will not respond to any method of discipline but violence and raised voices. I find this counterargument flawed for a few reasons. For one thing, there are parenting strategies that are more effective and involve no violence. In fact I'd argue that the parent who has resorted to violence and intimidation has abdicated their parental responsibilities in favor of violence, whether physical or emotional.

Furthermore, some children seen as misbehaving may have undiagnosed neurodiversity or illnesses like ADHD or epilepsy, which obviously cannot be treated or managed by hitting or yelling. And if you believe that neurodiverse/disabled children deserve to be hit and yelled at for diverging from the neurotypical norm or that violent behavior is necessary to "fix" them, please go directly to the "I'm a violent ableist" square. Do not take $200 and do not pass Go.

Even if no parenting strategy works and physical force has to be resorted to, however, there is nothing saying this last resort has to involve striking or threats in any way. Look, I know there's a limit to reasoning with kids. Sometimes they have to be held down to get their shots or a haircut, or even to put clothes on. There are also situations that are too urgent for words; I have had to pull my toddler back from walking into traffic, causing him to fall down. Sometimes kids have to be carried away or held back from dangers they don't understand.

None of this means either spanking or yelling is justified, however. When I hold my son still to get his shots I most certainly don't hit him or raise my voice at him for crying and struggling. When I pulled my son away from the road I immediately soothed him and helped him up, while gently telling him he could not cross the road while the cars were running. Even when nothing else works and physical force is used, whether because the child does not have the capacity to understand and cooperate or because of imminent danger, there is no call for striking and intimidating a child. The attempted rebuttal to the harms of spanking and yelling fails even in these worst-case scenarios.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

Well said.

I was spanked and yelled at (and insulted and slapped and hit with things) as a child. I can list many things that treatment taught me. None of them were good.

And now I'm helping raise my little roommates and they're *kids*. They're not in my weight class. The thought of hurting them makes me ill. I don't even like to make them unhappy by making them do what they need to; I couldn't bear to hurt them for the sake of hurting them.

[jesse_the_k]

They're not in my weight class went straight to my heart.

[minoanmiss]

*blushes* Thanks. :) It's just... the best way I could put how unequal that contest is.

[ljwrites]

I'm so sorry you were treated that way :( My own mistreatment taught me that a) I must never be caught b) by lying and hiding if necessary, because c) my parents were not trustworthy and would hurt me; therefore d) I must never ask for help or talk about anything beyond what they wanted to hear. I'm 40 and a parent myself, but I'm still coming to terms with the damage these "lessons" have done to my relationships, emotions, and so many other areas of my life.

Awww MinoanMama ❤️ (I suddenly wonder what Minoan parenting was like, the Minotaur story is probably not representative...) You are awesome and I hope your roomies appreciate what you do for them. I've been told I'd "understand" my parents when I was a parent myself, but all I understand is bewilderment that they could even think about hitting or screaming at a child. If I ever flew off the handle enough to act so violently toward my child it would take me a long time and a lot of work to forgive myself or trust myself around him.

I don't even like to make them unhappy by making them do what they need to

I am wary that I might become too lenient a parent in my fear of hurting him in any way, and a book I'm re-reading about controlling parenting confirms this is a risk for parents who grew up as controlled children themselves. So it's definitely something I need to work on.

[minoanmiss]

*hugs you a lot* The unintentional and terrible lessons of cruelty in parenting, yeah. We are close in age, and I'm still finding new aspects I have to deal with.

It's a good thing I'm balanced with my roommates, because I definitely am too lenient, and I'm working on that. No matter how BETRAYED the children look when I, too, insist they do what they need to do. *laigh*

[gingicat]

*nodnod* I yell when I lose my grip, it’s not the child’s fault.

(Then I model “we take breaks when we lose our grip.” Unless I’m cooking, in which case I put my electronics away or something.)

[ljwrites]

The idea that children can be taught self-control by having their caregiver lose control with them is ass-backward, to say the least. Regulating emotion is a crucial skill that parents need to model for their children, and taking breaks is an important strategy for that.

[alisx]

My Dad hit me... once, I think, growing up? (I have an intellectual feeling it was twice, but I only specifically remember once; ironically it's probably my earliest coherent memory.) It was when I was extremely young, and he was still New At Parenting, and it wasn't particularly hard. In retrospect, I think he scared himself more than anything.

The hitting was allegedly because I was "being a smartass." Being hit did absolutely nothing to cure that tendency. :P

(My parents mostly did the whole We're Not Mad We're Just Disappointed routine in every other situation which, honestly, still haunts me to this day. Way more effective than any yelling or violence...)

[ljwrites]

Yay parents who learn from their mistakes! I'd be terrified if I lost control enough to hit my child, too.

If being hit were a solution to being a smartass the population of smartasses would be considerably smaller XD But it seems cultivating a good relationship with the child would be waayyy more effective for parental disappointment to have any kind of hold on the child, eh?

[redrikki]

I think I got spanked once for losing my glasses, but it didn't really make an impression. What did make an impression was the wooden paddle that lived in the mantle over the fireplace behind all the photos, dolls, and art projects.

My older sister had defiant oppositional disorder while my dad had a temper and as she got older the yelling got worse. She'd been spanked with that paddle a time or two when we were kids (I remember because I had to watch), but by the time she hit her teen years, she was the one kicking holes in the wall and going at him with kitchen shears. It was a fun house to come home to.

[jesse_the_k]

That sounds really hard.

[ljwrites]

Because violence is a cure for bad memory/inattentiveness, evidently. I would like to see one case, just one, where spanking is actually an effective cure for what allegedly prompted it. (The answer of course is that hitting kids solves nothing.)

ODD is another condition that often came up in my search results for undiagnosed conditions that get marked up as/lead to misbehavior. I'm so sorry your home was like that, I tended to be the compliant one while my brother was more defiant growing up and watching the fights and "discipline" was hell.

Your sister's case also illustrates yet another point about the futility of spanking/yelling; parents who resort to it forget that they're not always going to be the bigger and stronger person in the relationship. And by the time their child is a teenager, already predisposed to be volatile and angry, the parents have taught them that violence is a part of the relationship and an acceptable solution to problems. Smh.

[redrikki]

Honestly, being spanked once had, like, zero effect on me. It was watching all the shut with my sister that made me desperate to just blend into the woodwork, in part because I could see my parents were already overwhelmed and in part because my sister enjoyed targeting me when she needed a punching bag.

My parents were overwhelmed and terrified by my sister's behavior and their methods of dealing with it were wildly inconsistent. Sometimes it was therapy, sometimes appeasement, and sometimes yelling/spanking. I have no idea what would have worked and sadly, neither did they.