The straw child of difficult behavior
Apr. 11th, 2019 12:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ljwritesA common attempted rebuttal to studies that indicate spanking and yelling are harmful to children is the specter of the misbehaving child who will not respond to any method of discipline but violence and raised voices. I find this counterargument flawed for a few reasons. For one thing, there are parenting strategies that are more effective and involve no violence. In fact I'd argue that the parent who has resorted to violence and intimidation has abdicated their parental responsibilities in favor of violence, whether physical or emotional.
Furthermore, some children seen as misbehaving may have undiagnosed neurodiversity or illnesses like ADHD or epilepsy, which obviously cannot be treated or managed by hitting or yelling. And if you believe that neurodiverse/disabled children deserve to be hit and yelled at for diverging from the neurotypical norm or that violent behavior is necessary to "fix" them, please go directly to the "I'm a violent ableist" square. Do not take $200 and do not pass Go.
Even if no parenting strategy works and physical force has to be resorted to, however, there is nothing saying this last resort has to involve striking or threats in any way. Look, I know there's a limit to reasoning with kids. Sometimes they have to be held down to get their shots or a haircut, or even to put clothes on. There are also situations that are too urgent for words; I have had to pull my toddler back from walking into traffic, causing him to fall down. Sometimes kids have to be carried away or held back from dangers they don't understand.
None of this means either spanking or yelling is justified, however. When I hold my son still to get his shots I most certainly don't hit him or raise my voice at him for crying and struggling. When I pulled my son away from the road I immediately soothed him and helped him up, while gently telling him he could not cross the road while the cars were running. Even when nothing else works and physical force is used, whether because the child does not have the capacity to understand and cooperate or because of imminent danger, there is no call for striking and intimidating a child. The attempted rebuttal to the harms of spanking and yelling fails even in these worst-case scenarios.
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Date: 2019-04-11 06:37 am (UTC)I was spanked and yelled at (and insulted and slapped and hit with things) as a child. I can list many things that treatment taught me. None of them were good.
And now I'm helping raise my little roommates and they're *kids*. They're not in my weight class. The thought of hurting them makes me ill. I don't even like to make them unhappy by making them do what they need to; I couldn't bear to hurt them for the sake of hurting them.
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Date: 2019-04-11 09:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-04-13 07:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-04-12 02:32 am (UTC)Awww MinoanMama ❤️ (I suddenly wonder what Minoan parenting was like, the Minotaur story is probably not representative...) You are awesome and I hope your roomies appreciate what you do for them. I've been told I'd "understand" my parents when I was a parent myself, but all I understand is bewilderment that they could even think about hitting or screaming at a child. If I ever flew off the handle enough to act so violently toward my child it would take me a long time and a lot of work to forgive myself or trust myself around him.
I am wary that I might become too lenient a parent in my fear of hurting him in any way, and a book I'm re-reading about controlling parenting confirms this is a risk for parents who grew up as controlled children themselves. So it's definitely something I need to work on.
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Date: 2019-04-13 07:08 pm (UTC)It's a good thing I'm balanced with my roommates, because I definitely am too lenient, and I'm working on that. No matter how BETRAYED the children look when I, too, insist they do what they need to do. *laigh*