The straw child of difficult behavior

[ljwrites]

A common attempted rebuttal to studies that indicate spanking and yelling are harmful to children is the specter of the misbehaving child who will not respond to any method of discipline but violence and raised voices. I find this counterargument flawed for a few reasons. For one thing, there are parenting strategies that are more effective and involve no violence. In fact I'd argue that the parent who has resorted to violence and intimidation has abdicated their parental responsibilities in favor of violence, whether physical or emotional.

Furthermore, some children seen as misbehaving may have undiagnosed neurodiversity or illnesses like ADHD or epilepsy, which obviously cannot be treated or managed by hitting or yelling. And if you believe that neurodiverse/disabled children deserve to be hit and yelled at for diverging from the neurotypical norm or that violent behavior is necessary to "fix" them, please go directly to the "I'm a violent ableist" square. Do not take $200 and do not pass Go.

Even if no parenting strategy works and physical force has to be resorted to, however, there is nothing saying this last resort has to involve striking or threats in any way. Look, I know there's a limit to reasoning with kids. Sometimes they have to be held down to get their shots or a haircut, or even to put clothes on. There are also situations that are too urgent for words; I have had to pull my toddler back from walking into traffic, causing him to fall down. Sometimes kids have to be carried away or held back from dangers they don't understand.

None of this means either spanking or yelling is justified, however. When I hold my son still to get his shots I most certainly don't hit him or raise my voice at him for crying and struggling. When I pulled my son away from the road I immediately soothed him and helped him up, while gently telling him he could not cross the road while the cars were running. Even when nothing else works and physical force is used, whether because the child does not have the capacity to understand and cooperate or because of imminent danger, there is no call for striking and intimidating a child. The attempted rebuttal to the harms of spanking and yelling fails even in these worst-case scenarios.

Comments

[ljwrites]

Because violence is a cure for bad memory/inattentiveness, evidently. I would like to see one case, just one, where spanking is actually an effective cure for what allegedly prompted it. (The answer of course is that hitting kids solves nothing.)

ODD is another condition that often came up in my search results for undiagnosed conditions that get marked up as/lead to misbehavior. I'm so sorry your home was like that, I tended to be the compliant one while my brother was more defiant growing up and watching the fights and "discipline" was hell.

Your sister's case also illustrates yet another point about the futility of spanking/yelling; parents who resort to it forget that they're not always going to be the bigger and stronger person in the relationship. And by the time their child is a teenager, already predisposed to be volatile and angry, the parents have taught them that violence is a part of the relationship and an acceptable solution to problems. Smh.

[redrikki]

Honestly, being spanked once had, like, zero effect on me. It was watching all the shut with my sister that made me desperate to just blend into the woodwork, in part because I could see my parents were already overwhelmed and in part because my sister enjoyed targeting me when she needed a punching bag.

My parents were overwhelmed and terrified by my sister's behavior and their methods of dealing with it were wildly inconsistent. Sometimes it was therapy, sometimes appeasement, and sometimes yelling/spanking. I have no idea what would have worked and sadly, neither did they.