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ljwritesIt occurs to me that most of my major scene rewrites for Shadow of the Dragon King were point-of-view rewrites. This is true of the scenes with the townspeople and Zuko in Chapter 10, the battle scene in that same chapter, and Mai's scene in Chapter 17.
I rewrote the first of these from the external observer PoV (posted here) to Yenzi's PoV, which I think ultimately made the scene work. The second scene, the battle, was just poorly structured in the first draft meaning I had to do some work planning and setting it up. In addition, though, alternating between Zuko's and Khoujin's viewpoints instead of making it entirely from Zuko's PoV clarified the action and I believe added emotional punch. The third case, Mai's scene, was another rewrite from external observer to character narration, again prompted by the lovelyamyraine.
The Azula PoV scene for Chapter 18 had sort of the opposite problem from the Yenzi and Mai ones, starting too "close" rather than too "far." Instead of external observer, I first wrote the scene in Azula's first-person PoV because I meant to focus on her thoughts for her one and only viewpoint scene in the whole story. I assumed it would help lay her thoughts and feelings bare because that's what first-person narration does, right? I had used first-person present PoV to honest and intimate effect before, and thought I could do so again.
It turns out I had missed one crucial factor: Azula always lies. She lies even to herself, in the privacy of her own head.
Therefore her first-person PoV scene turned out to be an exercise in unreliable narrator. Unlike the most effective unreliable narrator stories, however, there weren't enough contradicting clues to show she was being untruthful. The PoV made it possible for her to hide the physical sensations that gave a truer indication of her feelings. The result was a very one-note and flat narration.
Amy Raine wasn't pointing out those exact defects when she said the effect of the sole first-person scene was jarring, but I think she had a point there. I resisted her opinion for a while, and then sought a second opinion from vmuzic who pointed out the excessive and flat viciousness of Azula's tone. After thinking about it a while, I realized Azula had hoodwinked me into thinking she was a Complete Monster and decided to call her bluff by rewriting the scene in third person PoV, whose objective distance painted a more complex picture of her reaction and exposed both her vulnerability and her unreliability as a narrator.
I'm still somewhat partial to the original version because I wanted to show that even monsters have motivation beyond "I want to make the hero's life miserable," but I think the final cut fits better into the story. For posterity, here is the original:
I never meant to kill you, you know.
Your entire guard, even the ones in my employ, were sworn to protect you at all costs. Even that idealistic fool Rang Han knew the game. It had to look like a credible attempt, but you were never in undue danger.
If all else failed you had your sword-fiend, the assassin Red Spirit that was my gift to you. I knew from the start he would turn loyal to you. He has no other excuse to justify his pathetic existence.
Look at you now, all aglow at the prospect of being the savior again. I wonder, sometimes, if the adoration turned your head after a lifetime of being ignored.
Maybe that explains why you turned on your own family.
You stand to face your opponent, and I cannot miss a moment. I will carry the look on your face to my pyre, and it will lull me to peace on sleepless nights.
How does the terror feel? Does she whisper in your ear as she runs fingers of ice through you? You see, Zuzu, General Shu stands behind me, watching your immolation along with the entire court. Your true opponent is a more regal personage.
I don't understand why you're so surprised. Father could only tolerate so much of your ingratitude and treachery, and you pushed him without regard to his patience with you.
Don't stand there gawking, that's just rude. Are you actually considering going through with the duel? Are you bright enough to understand what it means for a royal claimant to challenge a sitting Firelord?
Ah, you do have the wits to fall on your face as you should. It was your slow mind working things through, not contemplating treason. Pity, it might have been entertaining to watch Father be forced to obliterate every one of your worthless followers.
It must be a familiar feeling to be mewling on your knees, exactly where you belong. Maybe if you'd remembered your place sooner you wouldn't be in this position.
But you had to overreach, didn't you. You provoked the nobility to make a name for yourself, and turned up the fire by questioning the war and fanning discontent among the riffraff. You undermined the Firelord at every turn until you had the gall to question him in a council of war.
I was the one who had to put out your flames. I made the nobility fall in line, and earned you sympathy you didn't deserve. I kept the war effort going when you would have us bow down and lick the dirt off the Earth King's feet.
And when your insolence finally went beyond enduring, I was the one who helped Father see what he had to do to save the Nation and you. He had to show once and for all that the Firelord will not be questioned, even by his own son. He had to show his strength to the court and keep his nation together. He had to fight this Agni Kai himself.
I don't think he took much convincing, really. He might have done the same without my counsel. That is what it means to be a loyal child, you see, to understand and obey your father so well that your mind is like his own.
Listen to him, Zuko. Suffering will be your teacher, if you are willing to learn. I don't know if you can, when you care nothing about the most basic lesson of all: the importance of family.
That's why you tried to hound me from the court, wasn't it? You couldn't let go of what I had to do to stabilize our Nation and support Father. Did a few lowborn men mean more to you than me, your own blood?
Uncle is looking away, the old fool, as though that would somehow make this less real. The two of you tried to make me go away, sweet and pretty with my dolls, but he should have known I will not live in any pen he or anyone would herd me into.
I would sooner destroy myself on my own terms.
Do you feel the heat of it, Zuko? Your screams say you do. That is my fire you feel on your face, my hand that guided you to this reckoning for your disrespect of your father and country. And your disrespect of me, of course, but that's just a nice bonus.
Just be thankful it was not worse. I couldn't very well let you die, could I, after our dear Mother loved you so beyond reason and sense that she gave up everything for you, even her husband and daughter.
No, I never even needed to kill you. You do a perfectly good job of incinerating yourself. It's the only perfection you'll ever achieve, and it's good enough for you.
I rewrote the first of these from the external observer PoV (posted here) to Yenzi's PoV, which I think ultimately made the scene work. The second scene, the battle, was just poorly structured in the first draft meaning I had to do some work planning and setting it up. In addition, though, alternating between Zuko's and Khoujin's viewpoints instead of making it entirely from Zuko's PoV clarified the action and I believe added emotional punch. The third case, Mai's scene, was another rewrite from external observer to character narration, again prompted by the lovely
amyraine.The Azula PoV scene for Chapter 18 had sort of the opposite problem from the Yenzi and Mai ones, starting too "close" rather than too "far." Instead of external observer, I first wrote the scene in Azula's first-person PoV because I meant to focus on her thoughts for her one and only viewpoint scene in the whole story. I assumed it would help lay her thoughts and feelings bare because that's what first-person narration does, right? I had used first-person present PoV to honest and intimate effect before, and thought I could do so again.
It turns out I had missed one crucial factor: Azula always lies. She lies even to herself, in the privacy of her own head.
Therefore her first-person PoV scene turned out to be an exercise in unreliable narrator. Unlike the most effective unreliable narrator stories, however, there weren't enough contradicting clues to show she was being untruthful. The PoV made it possible for her to hide the physical sensations that gave a truer indication of her feelings. The result was a very one-note and flat narration.
Amy Raine wasn't pointing out those exact defects when she said the effect of the sole first-person scene was jarring, but I think she had a point there. I resisted her opinion for a while, and then sought a second opinion from vmuzic who pointed out the excessive and flat viciousness of Azula's tone. After thinking about it a while, I realized Azula had hoodwinked me into thinking she was a Complete Monster and decided to call her bluff by rewriting the scene in third person PoV, whose objective distance painted a more complex picture of her reaction and exposed both her vulnerability and her unreliability as a narrator.
I'm still somewhat partial to the original version because I wanted to show that even monsters have motivation beyond "I want to make the hero's life miserable," but I think the final cut fits better into the story. For posterity, here is the original:
I never meant to kill you, you know.
Your entire guard, even the ones in my employ, were sworn to protect you at all costs. Even that idealistic fool Rang Han knew the game. It had to look like a credible attempt, but you were never in undue danger.
If all else failed you had your sword-fiend, the assassin Red Spirit that was my gift to you. I knew from the start he would turn loyal to you. He has no other excuse to justify his pathetic existence.
Look at you now, all aglow at the prospect of being the savior again. I wonder, sometimes, if the adoration turned your head after a lifetime of being ignored.
Maybe that explains why you turned on your own family.
You stand to face your opponent, and I cannot miss a moment. I will carry the look on your face to my pyre, and it will lull me to peace on sleepless nights.
How does the terror feel? Does she whisper in your ear as she runs fingers of ice through you? You see, Zuzu, General Shu stands behind me, watching your immolation along with the entire court. Your true opponent is a more regal personage.
I don't understand why you're so surprised. Father could only tolerate so much of your ingratitude and treachery, and you pushed him without regard to his patience with you.
Don't stand there gawking, that's just rude. Are you actually considering going through with the duel? Are you bright enough to understand what it means for a royal claimant to challenge a sitting Firelord?
Ah, you do have the wits to fall on your face as you should. It was your slow mind working things through, not contemplating treason. Pity, it might have been entertaining to watch Father be forced to obliterate every one of your worthless followers.
It must be a familiar feeling to be mewling on your knees, exactly where you belong. Maybe if you'd remembered your place sooner you wouldn't be in this position.
But you had to overreach, didn't you. You provoked the nobility to make a name for yourself, and turned up the fire by questioning the war and fanning discontent among the riffraff. You undermined the Firelord at every turn until you had the gall to question him in a council of war.
I was the one who had to put out your flames. I made the nobility fall in line, and earned you sympathy you didn't deserve. I kept the war effort going when you would have us bow down and lick the dirt off the Earth King's feet.
And when your insolence finally went beyond enduring, I was the one who helped Father see what he had to do to save the Nation and you. He had to show once and for all that the Firelord will not be questioned, even by his own son. He had to show his strength to the court and keep his nation together. He had to fight this Agni Kai himself.
I don't think he took much convincing, really. He might have done the same without my counsel. That is what it means to be a loyal child, you see, to understand and obey your father so well that your mind is like his own.
Listen to him, Zuko. Suffering will be your teacher, if you are willing to learn. I don't know if you can, when you care nothing about the most basic lesson of all: the importance of family.
That's why you tried to hound me from the court, wasn't it? You couldn't let go of what I had to do to stabilize our Nation and support Father. Did a few lowborn men mean more to you than me, your own blood?
Uncle is looking away, the old fool, as though that would somehow make this less real. The two of you tried to make me go away, sweet and pretty with my dolls, but he should have known I will not live in any pen he or anyone would herd me into.
I would sooner destroy myself on my own terms.
Do you feel the heat of it, Zuko? Your screams say you do. That is my fire you feel on your face, my hand that guided you to this reckoning for your disrespect of your father and country. And your disrespect of me, of course, but that's just a nice bonus.
Just be thankful it was not worse. I couldn't very well let you die, could I, after our dear Mother loved you so beyond reason and sense that she gave up everything for you, even her husband and daughter.
No, I never even needed to kill you. You do a perfectly good job of incinerating yourself. It's the only perfection you'll ever achieve, and it's good enough for you.
