Frustrations, mom posting, workstation

[ljwrites]

I hate it when I'm blocked on one thing and it also poisons everything else in my life. Academic work is a prime example of that, it's got... so many complicated feelings and expectations and fears associated with it that it's hard both to do it and to let go of it. Like, when I'm doing it I feel terrible and inadequate, so I procrastinate. Then it eats up every other thing because I can't feel good about doing anything else while I'm feeling so much guilt over it. It's not very healthy, to say the least.

This is why I'm questioning whether I'm cut out for academic work at all. I'm good at it when I apply myself, but maybe I'm in the wrong field? I don't care about the technical points of international law that much. I do care, however, about things like indigenous rights and decolonization and environmental law, and maybe that's what I should be doing. I kind of started with that on my thesis, it'll be a shift sure but I can try despite the voices in my head telling me I can't do it and will fail again. Argh.

And honestly idc if I can get a stable academic position out of this. It might be nice, but the expectations and workload of academic institutions don't really appeal to me that much. Most of my income is coming from academic work right now but translation is a decent supplement and I'm helping Mark with his publishing venture, too, so I could lean harder on those options if academia doesn't pan out. It's also nice to be able to work from home while raising our Tater Tot.

Speaking of whom, the Tot is growing apace, not doing much talking but he sure laughs and babbles a lot. He's a healthy and happy kid and I couldn't ask for anything more. He is HEAVY into cars, both toys and the real kind; Mark's father even sent the kid a mini sedan he can ride in and drive around, proving once and for all that grandparents love their grandchildren more than their children.

Mark calls that thing the White Elephant for a reason, aside from its color. It's noisy, takes up space, and is heavy as hell to take out of the house where there is enough space for the kiddo to ride it around, something we have only done twice. Funny, though, it's actually worked out reasonably well; the Tot hasn't shown much interest in playing outdoors with the thing, and mostly loves to climb in, honk the horn, and play its tiny selection of music. He occasionally pedals it backward and forward, but we stop him from doing that at night so we don't disturb the downstairs neighbors.

I pulled my zero gravity chair out of storage and rearranged my workstation to use it, with a bed tray holding my keyboard placed on two straps across the armrest so I can type comfortably. I was using a kitchen chair for a while and that got uncomfortable, so I considered getting a swivel office chair but the idea of being upright all the time didn't appeal, either. This arrangements suits me for now--with my main monitor being a flatscreen across the room, I can tilt back while working when it suits me. Maybe a better lumbar support could help, but then again I'm not vertical most of the time so it doesn't bother me.

Comments

[suncani]

As someone that spent 15 years adamant that they wanted to be an academic and that the work was perfect for me and then promptly noped out of a PhD I hear you. I think it's a very peculiar time to be in academia at the moment, and it sounds like you have plenty of options if you decide not to, while still using your expertise.

Hope you feel less blocked soon.

[ljwrites]

Yeah, between aging populations, increasing precariousness in academia, the neoliberalization of universities and more, the ground is shifting underfoot. I think a lot of people who are drawn to academia are people who love books, deep thinking, and intellectual pursuits while maybe not being the best fit for the hustle and bustle of commercial jobs. As a result many are disillusioned to realize that the parts of academia that aren't dying are businesses and they have to think like businesspeople and politicians to make anything of themselves--the very thing they had hoped to avoid.

I'm feeling much less blocked and made some progress, thank you! I haven't solved my future yet but at least I can do the job at hand.

[minoanmiss]

I am cheering you on, and The Tot sounds adorable!

[ljwrites]

Thank you! I have gotten less-blocked since then, I think venting helped. ^_^ And yeah, he is a ridiculous kid and I love him <3

[loopy777]

I'm with your tot. As a kid, I pushing buttons on things and getting reactions more than moving around.

Says a lot about my chosen career, really.

[ljwrites]

Sounds familiar! :D Both his grandfathers are engineers, too, so I would not be surprised if that's how he turns out.

[lb_lee]

it's got... so many complicated feelings and expectations and fears associated with it that it's hard both to do it and to let go of it. Like, when I'm doing it I feel terrible and inadequate, so I procrastinate. Then it eats up every other thing because I can't feel good about doing anything else while I'm feeling so much guilt over it. It's not very healthy, to say the least.

Is there a way to maybe take a break from it, and come back if you manage to work through that stuff, or let it go if it's not doable? Because that sounds like a godawful position to be in!

--Rogan, who spent a brief period wanting to be an academic (HAHAHA NO)

[ljwrites]

Yeah it's definitely not a healthy situation and it's been going on for 10+ years, too. I've been in limbo for so long, going through the motions and making something of a career and living while not pushing full-steam ahead like people at my stage are expected to. Having a baby has definitely not helped lol, but I don't regret it.

The problem may solve itself by sheer foot-dragging, since the work I get now will drop off if I don't progress along the expected career path and people realize I'm not getting anywhere. I both dread and hope for that to happen. I guess I'm trying to find a safe landing, doing other things that are more suited (like the publishing and translation stuff) and increasing my earnings from those while still making a living from academic work while I can. This ambiguity has been soul-killing and I very much wish I'd had the courage to seek my own path rather than let myself be pushed along a "safe" road I had doubts about. :/ No sense in regretting the past, though, gotta move forward from where I am.

[lb_lee]

Yeeeah, I feel like if you haven't gotten it working in that long, it might be time to cut your losses. Maybe you'll be able to use those skills in a different way--like how Ro wanted to be a librarian and still gets to use those skills for plural info stuff!

--Mac