The straw child of difficult behavior

[ljwrites]

A common attempted rebuttal to studies that indicate spanking and yelling are harmful to children is the specter of the misbehaving child who will not respond to any method of discipline but violence and raised voices. I find this counterargument flawed for a few reasons. For one thing, there are parenting strategies that are more effective and involve no violence. In fact I'd argue that the parent who has resorted to violence and intimidation has abdicated their parental responsibilities in favor of violence, whether physical or emotional.

Furthermore, some children seen as misbehaving may have undiagnosed neurodiversity or illnesses like ADHD or epilepsy, which obviously cannot be treated or managed by hitting or yelling. And if you believe that neurodiverse/disabled children deserve to be hit and yelled at for diverging from the neurotypical norm or that violent behavior is necessary to "fix" them, please go directly to the "I'm a violent ableist" square. Do not take $200 and do not pass Go.

Even if no parenting strategy works and physical force has to be resorted to, however, there is nothing saying this last resort has to involve striking or threats in any way. Look, I know there's a limit to reasoning with kids. Sometimes they have to be held down to get their shots or a haircut, or even to put clothes on. There are also situations that are too urgent for words; I have had to pull my toddler back from walking into traffic, causing him to fall down. Sometimes kids have to be carried away or held back from dangers they don't understand.

None of this means either spanking or yelling is justified, however. When I hold my son still to get his shots I most certainly don't hit him or raise my voice at him for crying and struggling. When I pulled my son away from the road I immediately soothed him and helped him up, while gently telling him he could not cross the road while the cars were running. Even when nothing else works and physical force is used, whether because the child does not have the capacity to understand and cooperate or because of imminent danger, there is no call for striking and intimidating a child. The attempted rebuttal to the harms of spanking and yelling fails even in these worst-case scenarios.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

Well said.

I was spanked and yelled at (and insulted and slapped and hit with things) as a child. I can list many things that treatment taught me. None of them were good.

And now I'm helping raise my little roommates and they're *kids*. They're not in my weight class. The thought of hurting them makes me ill. I don't even like to make them unhappy by making them do what they need to; I couldn't bear to hurt them for the sake of hurting them.

[gingicat]

*nodnod* I yell when I lose my grip, it’s not the child’s fault.

(Then I model “we take breaks when we lose our grip.” Unless I’m cooking, in which case I put my electronics away or something.)

[alisx]

My Dad hit me... once, I think, growing up? (I have an intellectual feeling it was twice, but I only specifically remember once; ironically it's probably my earliest coherent memory.) It was when I was extremely young, and he was still New At Parenting, and it wasn't particularly hard. In retrospect, I think he scared himself more than anything.

The hitting was allegedly because I was "being a smartass." Being hit did absolutely nothing to cure that tendency. :P

(My parents mostly did the whole We're Not Mad We're Just Disappointed routine in every other situation which, honestly, still haunts me to this day. Way more effective than any yelling or violence...)

[redrikki]

I think I got spanked once for losing my glasses, but it didn't really make an impression. What did make an impression was the wooden paddle that lived in the mantle over the fireplace behind all the photos, dolls, and art projects.

My older sister had defiant oppositional disorder while my dad had a temper and as she got older the yelling got worse. She'd been spanked with that paddle a time or two when we were kids (I remember because I had to watch), but by the time she hit her teen years, she was the one kicking holes in the wall and going at him with kitchen shears. It was a fun house to come home to.