ljwrites: A stern-looking woman in fancy traditional Korean clothes. (soseono)
L.J. Lee ([personal profile] ljwrites) wrote2019-04-11 12:50 pm

The straw child of difficult behavior

A common attempted rebuttal to studies that indicate spanking and yelling are harmful to children is the specter of the misbehaving child who will not respond to any method of discipline but violence and raised voices. I find this counterargument flawed for a few reasons. For one thing, there are parenting strategies that are more effective and involve no violence. In fact I'd argue that the parent who has resorted to violence and intimidation has abdicated their parental responsibilities in favor of violence, whether physical or emotional.

Furthermore, some children seen as misbehaving may have undiagnosed neurodiversity or illnesses like ADHD or epilepsy, which obviously cannot be treated or managed by hitting or yelling. And if you believe that neurodiverse/disabled children deserve to be hit and yelled at for diverging from the neurotypical norm or that violent behavior is necessary to "fix" them, please go directly to the "I'm a violent ableist" square. Do not take $200 and do not pass Go.

Even if no parenting strategy works and physical force has to be resorted to, however, there is nothing saying this last resort has to involve striking or threats in any way. Look, I know there's a limit to reasoning with kids. Sometimes they have to be held down to get their shots or a haircut, or even to put clothes on. There are also situations that are too urgent for words; I have had to pull my toddler back from walking into traffic, causing him to fall down. Sometimes kids have to be carried away or held back from dangers they don't understand.

None of this means either spanking or yelling is justified, however. When I hold my son still to get his shots I most certainly don't hit him or raise my voice at him for crying and struggling. When I pulled my son away from the road I immediately soothed him and helped him up, while gently telling him he could not cross the road while the cars were running. Even when nothing else works and physical force is used, whether because the child does not have the capacity to understand and cooperate or because of imminent danger, there is no call for striking and intimidating a child. The attempted rebuttal to the harms of spanking and yelling fails even in these worst-case scenarios.

redrikki: Orange cat, year of the cat (Default)

[personal profile] redrikki 2019-04-11 12:28 pm (UTC)(link)
I think I got spanked once for losing my glasses, but it didn't really make an impression. What did make an impression was the wooden paddle that lived in the mantle over the fireplace behind all the photos, dolls, and art projects.

My older sister had defiant oppositional disorder while my dad had a temper and as she got older the yelling got worse. She'd been spanked with that paddle a time or two when we were kids (I remember because I had to watch), but by the time she hit her teen years, she was the one kicking holes in the wall and going at him with kitchen shears. It was a fun house to come home to.
jesse_the_k: That text in red Futura Bold Condensed (be aware of invisibility)

[personal profile] jesse_the_k 2019-04-11 09:43 pm (UTC)(link)
That sounds really hard.
redrikki: Orange cat, year of the cat (Default)

[personal profile] redrikki 2019-04-12 12:27 pm (UTC)(link)
Honestly, being spanked once had, like, zero effect on me. It was watching all the shut with my sister that made me desperate to just blend into the woodwork, in part because I could see my parents were already overwhelmed and in part because my sister enjoyed targeting me when she needed a punching bag.

My parents were overwhelmed and terrified by my sister's behavior and their methods of dealing with it were wildly inconsistent. Sometimes it was therapy, sometimes appeasement, and sometimes yelling/spanking. I have no idea what would have worked and sadly, neither did they.