Redefining success

[ljwrites]

Working on my fear of rejection and ridicule is a big part of my lifelong project of managing anxiety and self-consciousness. I have a hard time making applications or submitting work because I keep thinking I have no chance of success and will only look out of place. Past success and positive feedback seem to have only limited effect on mitigating this fear.

I have weird and idiosyncratic exceptions such as writing essays and, get this, public speaking. Both can make me nervous depending on the subject matter and my level of perceived competence/preparedness, but the reaction seems more rational than what I get for things like applications and submissions. Maybe the difference is a simple one of being inside or outside my comfort zone, and I just need more practice in broadening my sphere of comfort.(1)

This is why I'm trying to reorient myself to seeing failure and rejection as success. These outcomes are not success in the specific endeavor I tried for, of course, but they are successes in my continuing efforts to be more comfortable trying more new things and putting myself out there.

This doesn't mean I'll inflict substandard material on people, but rather that I'll have a new retort for the voice in my head that says anything I do in that area is substandard because I suck. Instead of trying to persuade it (and there is no reasoning with it, as you may know) I can tell it, "Hell yeah, I suck! And I am going to fail EPICALLY and there's nothing you can do to stop me."

So my question to myself becomes not, "what can I succeed at?" but rather "what can I fail at?" and I find that tremendously freeing. It helps me reach for new possibilities and get out of my own way.

1. Association, or lack thereof, with past trauma/humiliation and embeddedness in self-worth probably have something to do with it, too. Understanding my own triggers is another part of the work I'm always doing. I find it much harder than the comparatively quick and successful, though still painful, work of overcoming my violent rage triggers. Fear seems to be a much more fraught and complicated issue for me than anger, and I suspect it's also much more deeply wired into biology and genetics.

Comments

[lb_lee]

I watch a lot of terrible movies for the sheer pleasure of jubilant failure, and trying to get myself in the similar vein. If Ed Wood is able to bring me such enjoyment decades after he's died, even though his movies are considered The Worst, isn't that actually a measure of success most artists never obtain? After all, if you define "auteur" by "inimitable filmmaker with a distinctive style," Ed Wood is certainly an auteur!

May we all fail so joyfully!

--Rogan

[ljwrites]

That is EXACTLY the kind of success/failure I want.

An excellent insight

[jesse_the_k]

...and I went searching for a catchy quote I'd heard:

“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

That's Samuel Beckett, an avant garde British playwright. Then I found some context, and realized this catchy quote isn't all the memes say it is.

https://booksonthewall.com/blog/samuel-beckett-quote-fail-better/

...although after reading that analysis, I think I like Beckett's generally grim approach.

Re: An excellent insight

[ljwrites]

Omg I didn't know the original context of that quote! It's so telling how Beckett's pessimistic words became warped into an airy capitalist slogan. The way quotes drift and get misattributed is the darnedest thing: just a couple days ago I found out that a quote often attributed to Benjamin Franklin was not from him at all and was most likely a bastardized version of a passage by the ancient Chinese scholar Xunzi.

I find strange consolation in the line actually written by Beckett, too. You think you suck? Welcome to the club, the whole WORLD sucks so what does it matter? Thanks Sam, that helps.

Re: An excellent insight

[jesse_the_k]

Thank you for introducing me to the Quote Investigator, a site with a shining mission. Greek and Roman philosophers get credited. Yet in the US, insights from Asian philosophy are attributed to “an old proverb” or “ancient wisdom” instead of the known individuals who wrote them down. A stinking combo of inability to pronounce names and ignorance of history.

I recently finished a delicious book—https://www.worldcat.org/title/man-who-loved-china-the-fantastic-story-of-the-eccentric-scientist-who-unlocked-the-mysteries-of-the-middle-kingdom/oclc/262886569/editions?referer=di&editionsView=true—nominally a biography of the radical Brit who spent a lifetime teaching the West about Chinese history of science. I loved it for all the nifty science and technology stories—mostly, the Chinese were way ahead of the west. (Audio expertly read by author.) I wish I had another three lifetimes to read.

Re: An excellent insight

[ljwrites]

Also, to the extent a Chinese philosopher gets credited it's often "Uhh, maybe Confucius...?" I saw that on another site for the abovementioned quote, too, with people attributing Xunzi's words to Gongfuzi--whose name perhaps is famous enough and commonly Anglicized enough to stand for the entire philosophical traditions of China lol. (Though, to be fair, Xunzi actually is a Confucian scholar.)

Thanks for the rec! I'm always looking for good audio material for when I'm cooking, cleaning etc. China is a subject I am always fascinated with and struggle with, as a member of a culture that hase lived in the shadow of Chinese empire for thousands of years with the good and bad that implies.

[dhampyresa]

These outcomes are not success in the specific endeavor I tried for, of course, but they are successes in my continuing efforts to be more comfortable trying more new things and putting myself out there.

An excellent thought!