Frustrations, mom posting, workstation

[ljwrites]

I hate it when I'm blocked on one thing and it also poisons everything else in my life. Academic work is a prime example of that, it's got... so many complicated feelings and expectations and fears associated with it that it's hard both to do it and to let go of it. Like, when I'm doing it I feel terrible and inadequate, so I procrastinate. Then it eats up every other thing because I can't feel good about doing anything else while I'm feeling so much guilt over it. It's not very healthy, to say the least.

This is why I'm questioning whether I'm cut out for academic work at all. I'm good at it when I apply myself, but maybe I'm in the wrong field? I don't care about the technical points of international law that much. I do care, however, about things like indigenous rights and decolonization and environmental law, and maybe that's what I should be doing. I kind of started with that on my thesis, it'll be a shift sure but I can try despite the voices in my head telling me I can't do it and will fail again. Argh.

And honestly idc if I can get a stable academic position out of this. It might be nice, but the expectations and workload of academic institutions don't really appeal to me that much. Most of my income is coming from academic work right now but translation is a decent supplement and I'm helping Mark with his publishing venture, too, so I could lean harder on those options if academia doesn't pan out. It's also nice to be able to work from home while raising our Tater Tot.

Speaking of whom, the Tot is growing apace, not doing much talking but he sure laughs and babbles a lot. He's a healthy and happy kid and I couldn't ask for anything more. He is HEAVY into cars, both toys and the real kind; Mark's father even sent the kid a mini sedan he can ride in and drive around, proving once and for all that grandparents love their grandchildren more than their children.

Mark calls that thing the White Elephant for a reason, aside from its color. It's noisy, takes up space, and is heavy as hell to take out of the house where there is enough space for the kiddo to ride it around, something we have only done twice. Funny, though, it's actually worked out reasonably well; the Tot hasn't shown much interest in playing outdoors with the thing, and mostly loves to climb in, honk the horn, and play its tiny selection of music. He occasionally pedals it backward and forward, but we stop him from doing that at night so we don't disturb the downstairs neighbors.

I pulled my zero gravity chair out of storage and rearranged my workstation to use it, with a bed tray holding my keyboard placed on two straps across the armrest so I can type comfortably. I was using a kitchen chair for a while and that got uncomfortable, so I considered getting a swivel office chair but the idea of being upright all the time didn't appeal, either. This arrangements suits me for now--with my main monitor being a flatscreen across the room, I can tilt back while working when it suits me. Maybe a better lumbar support could help, but then again I'm not vertical most of the time so it doesn't bother me.